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Psychotherapy with Women at Midlife and Beyond by Katie Amatruda, PsyD, MFT & Lauren Cunningham, LCSW
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Peter had done it again. Soon after his 50th birthday, he had all but disappeared, leaving Gabriela to tend to a sulking teenage stepdaughter, Angelique. He had gone off on a wilderness retreat, saying his "soul needed a break." Gabriela was angry. "He's not the only one who needs a break. I could do some soul searching too at a nice spa. I feel scared that Peter wants to get away from me. Maybe he won't come back." Gabriela came from a close Mexican family but had resisted an early marriage. Her younger sister Cecilia had married at age 22 and now had five children. Gaby had focused on her career. Not only was she the first person in her family to go to college, she had completed a doctorate. While pursuing a post graduate fellowship she had fallen for Peter, a dashing professor five years her senior who was going through a divorce. After much turmoil Gaby ended up with a husband and a stepdaughter. In their first year together Gaby got pregnant. She was thrilled and terrified, as Peter had clearly stated that he didn't want any more children. After much debate with Peter, Gabriela got an abortion. Now, at 45, Gaby regretted that she had no children of her own. Angelique was difficult, resenting her stepmother and demanding Peter's attention. Peter responded by withdrawing. He was in the throes of his own midlife passage, but his method was to disengage. This wounded Gaby, who craved strong emotional connection. She was also stunned that Angelique treated her so disrespectfully. "Where is the respeto? She even treats her father horribly. She talks back, and he never does anything. When she does it to me sometimes I imagine Peter likes it!" "I felt so idealistic when I married Peter. He seemed like such a good dad to Angelique, so different from my dad. I'm grateful Peter's not home drinking like my dad did but now I see the downside. He never criticizes her, or asks her to do anything. Its my job to get her to help out around the house. I sometimes fear that Peter married me to become his housecleaner and cook." "Now, he's off on his retreat. And I 'm home alone with 'our' daughter. I dread it. I feel like a witch when I am with her." |
I felt for Gabriela as she expressed her pain. At the heart of her story was her fear that Peter wasn't there for her and might leave as her father had through his alcoholism. She blamed Peter for the abortion and realized that she blamed Angelique as well. If Peter had not already had a daughter he might have been more receptive to Gaby's pregnancy. Raised Catholic, Gaby had left the church many years earlier. Peter's absence made stepparenting difficult, as did the cultural differences between Gaby's family values and how Angelique was acting. Gaby called her parents several times a week. Peter's family was non-Hispanic and tended to be very distant. Months could go by before either Peter or his mother called each other.
Gaby displayed perimenopausal symptoms. Her hormones shifted along with her moods. Always uncomfortable with her body, she recently had put on weight. And where was Peter? I began to resent Peter as well, and had to guard against joining too much with Gaby in criticizing him. I realized at times I over identified with Gaby as I went through a parallel process in my own marriage. Sometimes our stories overlapped and I needed to keep my aggravation with my husband and Gaby's with Peter separate. The low point came when Gaby had been the last patient of the day, and my husband announced he had tickets to go to baseball game with some friends. The poor guy did not know what hit him. I laid into him, having convinced myself that he was never there for me. My period arrived the next day. I made sure in the future to have better boundaries around Gabriela.
The Missing or Sick King in Fairytales
Almost all fairy tales that feature a witch start off with a king and a queen. Early on, the queen dies and the king remarries. Then he disappears from the fairy tale, sometimes reappearing at his daughter's wedding. (The wedding is to a prince and usually occurs after the princess has vanquished the witch). Who ever heard of Snow White's father or Cinderella's father? Sleeping Beauty's father fell asleep for 100 years while brambles grew around the castle. Rapunzel's dad? Jungian analyst Marie-Louise von Franz states about the king:
In primitive societies the king or chief of the tribe generally has magic qualities; he has mana. Certain chiefs, for instance, are so sacred that they may not touch the earth and are always carried by their people.... Some chiefs and kings are never seen because of a similar taboo; if you look at the king's face you would die. Of certain chiefs it is said that their voices thunder and their eyes emanate lightning. In many primitive societies the prosperity of the whole country depends upon the health and the state of mind of the king and if he becomes impotent or ill he has to be killed and replaced by another king whose health and prosperity guarantee the fertility of the women and cattle as well as the prosperity of the whole tribe....
We can say, therefore, that the king or chief incorporates a divine principle on which the entire welfare - psychic and physical - of the nation depends. He represents the divine principle in its visible form; he is its incarnation and embodiment, its dwelling place. In his body lives the totem spirit of the tribe.
(M. L. von Franz, Interpretation of Fairytales IV : 5)
| Suzanna
is now 72. She reflected back to when her husband died. "I was so young,
only 57. Ira died suddenly, so there was no time to prepare.
I didn't know where our money was, his life insurance, or anything.
Looking back, I was in shock."
"Suddenly I had to deal with worldly things. I didn't realize how much Ira took care of me—the money, the house, yard, cars, everything. My youngest son was still in medical school, so there were bills, too." "It was the hardest, loneliest time in my life." Suzanna got tears in her eyes when she remembered. "And I couldn't talk to Ira about it." |
At midlife, women can experience the loss of the king principle, both in reality and symbolically. The "king principle" as we're using it includes the skills and ability to function practically and to interface with the outer world. This includes finances, protecting and securing the home. Often women find themselves without a masculine presence in their lives or psyches at midlife. The reasons are varied; they include:
External
* Death of the partner, sometimes leaving a bereft woman with little sense of
how the world operates, particularly the financial aspects of investments, retirement,
and social security.
* Divorce or separation from a partner.
* Maturation of children opens the way for a woman's development of new skills in the outer world.
Internal
* Loss of the inner masculine may occur if a woman feels overwhelmed, unappreciated and chaotic.
* The underdevelopment of the interior king in women raised in traditional maiden/wife roles.
* Single women who have a well developed inner masculine may find themselves feeling less self-reliant during menopause.
* Illness or fears of illness can make a woman feel more vulnerable. The "omnipotence" of youth, health and beauty fades, which can result in a loss of confidence.
* The cultural loss of being visible
and desirable that many women experience can lead to feeling unseen by men.
| Weslia
was frustrated. "Every night when Sue comes home, she says hello and goes
upstairs to check her email. Then she spends 45 minutes on the phone and
watching the news. By this time, I've feed the kids and helped Danny with
his homework. I've made dinner for Sue and myself. I'm usually wearing
sweat pants and a tee shirt that are covered with Emily's dinner. Sue
doesn't say anything, I can see from the look in her eyes how much I have
let myself go. She's wearing her silk blouse and nice suits; she can't
even hug me or the kids or she would ruin her clothes.
"I end up screaming at her. I feel like a single parent, or worse, that she has become my father!" Weslia became teary. "I think we must have been insane to become mothers at our age." Her anger came back quickly to the surface. "We figured because we were women it would be better, but it's not. Believe me, my old job as a manager was way easier than this. I feel so stuck." |
It can be difficult
to be an older mother of a young child. Sometimes, when your developmental impetus
is toward launching your own creative endeavors, then changing diapers, making
school lunches, or driving kids to soccer games can feel out of synch with the
inner life. This is immensely more complicated when the child has
special needs. I know that I felt great sympathy for Weslia when she was talking.
It was hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut and not tell her my stories. For
years I have tried to wean my family from eating dinner. It would be so much
easier to just have cheese and crackers or
a bowl of cereal in the evening. I have
encountered massive resistance to that idea, as well as to my suggestion that
everyone in the family take a night to cook. My nine year old son was the only
one embracing the idea; he would serve us cookies and milk for dinner.
|
Births
to older mothers
In the United States
-- Births to women ages 40-44 increased 71
-- Births to women ages 45-49 increased 15
-- In 1999, there were 174 births to women ages California
-- Births to women ages 40-44 increased 46
-- Births to women ages 45 and older increased |
Having a partner who is unavailable,
or having no partner, can set the stage for the development of the witch.
| Weslia
made a sandtray in which there were numerous figures of women tending
to children. In one corner a race car headed out of the sandtray. "I still
miss my MG," she said when she was associating to the car. "It was
so fun; I would put the top down and drive for hours. It just wasn't practical
after Danny was born. I would have him in the car seat, and no room for
groceries. Sue of course needed to keep her car pristine to drive her
clients around. And after Emily was born, I got a mini van. Me! I had
a motorcycle before I had the MG. A gray mini van!"
Weslia fell silent for a moment. "I don't know why she is there. I didn't want to put her in, but she insisted on being in the tray." She pointed to the Wicked Witch of the West hiding behind a tree. |
I was glad
then that Weslia had not witnessed my own car saga. Cars can represent
identity and autonomy. When I had my red Miata, I was a sexy, independent woman.
I felt I could put the top down and take off—anytime, anywhere. With the
arrival of my late-in-life, desperately wanted 'miracle' child, the autonomous,
sexy maiden was replaced by the mother.
I gloried in my pregnancy, becoming Demeter, the earth
mother. I gained a lot of weight, and when my son was born, nursed him
for years. I bought a Jeep, needing to have room for both baby and groceries.
My body and psyche felt ever ready to hold and feed a child. When he entered
school, my role as his world-mother began to diminish. I wanted parts
of my old life back, especially my pre-pregnancy body. I was shocked at
how hard it was to lose weight in my forties. It seems in some ways like
replacing the red Miata with a Jeep was a parallel process to what had happened
to my body; from small and zippy to containing and cumbersome.
When my son turned seven, I traded the Jeep for a sportier
car, this time with a back seat. The weight came off and my therapy practice
picked up. As my son entered the father world of school, I reentered the
woman world of work.
Now my son and his friends are too big for the small back
seat of my current car and complain that they are 'eating their knees.' Maybe
it's time to look for a four door sedan, but I dread what that will do to my
psyche and body. Maybe a red car would make it OK.
| After
initial resistance to coming to therapy for herself Louise finally entered
the process. Louise was 64 and divorced, raising her grandson Freddy.
Louise also had a witch in her sandtray. She set up a village with women centered around a well. On one side a man stood with two children; she explained that it was her ex-husband Glen and his new children. Near them was a figure of a sexy young woman. "His new wife," Louise sighed. "I raised our son while my husband drank. I finally divorced him and then he gets sober. He married a younger woman that he met in AA. I've never seen her. I just imagine this sexy young thing. She wanted babies and now they have two! He refused to talk to me about having another baby when I still could. I suspect he just needs a younger woman around. " She crafted a cave with a witch peeking out. "I don't like her! I want her to go away. But I know why she is there; I feel burnt out and cranky. Living in this town is hard. Everything costs so much. I feel like I am working all the time." "So many of my friends are sick. They have chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, back problems, environmental allergies. Or they die. So many of the women from my breast cancer support group didn't make it. My friends call me for help: They have found a lump. They want to know how I survived for seven years with breast cancer." "I'm exhausted but I have to keep pushing or I feel that I will lose everything that I have worked so hard for. And little Freddy needs so much. He has tantrums, and I have to take him to specialists. Was I was crazy to become his legal guardian? I can't imagine him in foster care." She added in a very soft voice. "I'd hoped to retire by now and work in the garden cultivating my herbs." |
I empathized with Louise's pain. She felt abandoned. With the loss of her marriage she felt she had also lost her future. There was no way financially that she could retire anytime soon. She had sacrificed earning power to be home for her son, and now was doing the same for her grandson. So Louise raised Freddy alone, while Glen and the his new wife each had pensions, IRAs, and investments. Louise felt she had nothing: no home and no way to retire. Her anxiety was infectious and I started to worry about my own financial future, and it was scary.
All of the men in Louise's life were impaired or had deserted her. Glen had been alcoholic for the duration of their long marriage. Louise felt wounded now that he was sober with a new family. She was imagining the 'path not taken', how it might have been if Glen had sobered up earlier.
Her son was in prison for drug dealing, so yet another masculine force was missing. Freddy, the third male, was impaired by what had happened in his young life: fetal cocaine and alcohol exposure, the death of his mother, and the incarceration of his father. When a child is disabled, often the parents and grandparents feel as if they have lost the future.
For Louise,
the King was not only missing, he felt dead.
| Louise
was near tears. "Granny lived near us when I grew up. Her kids chipped
in to pay her rent. We'd visit her every Sunday after church and bring
her groceries. Summers we weeded her garden and harvest her tomatoes.
Everyone loved her and listened to her stories. People even asked her advice! She was considered wise, not old. She died at home surrounded by children and grandchildren. I have no one but Freddy, and he will always need my support. My son has lost his way. I have given up expecting anything from him. I want it all to stop!" |
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American culture has lost the 'elder'.
As families moved across the United States, the old model of three generations
in one house has been replaced by adult children living thousands of miles away
from their aging parents, and children raised with little contact with their
grandparents. This can lead to isolation, and the loss of a feeling of
continuity in the family. There is little sense of honoring and respecting the
wisdom of the elders in many assimilated American families. Louise's childhood
experience of a much loved and respected granny is rare today. All three generations
suffer from this. The elders are not heard or helped by their children; they
miss out on close contact with their grandchildren. The middle generation is
stressed and stretched with no parents nearby to help with the children. The
youngest generation has little sense of where they come from, too often cut
off from the history and relationship that grandparents can offer.
| Cynthia reluctantly began to investigate assisted living facilities where she could live in her own apartment with the option of hot meals, social and cultural activities, and a safe environment. Temporary nursing care would be available on site. Some facilities offered full time nursing care when she became too ill to live on her own. But she felt depressed about leaving her home and the ill health that made it necessary to consider assisted living. She kept saying, "I don't want to live with boring old people who are sick all the time." |
For more information from the National Center for Assisted Living, please go to: http://www.ncal.org/consumer/assist.htm).
According to the Social Security web site:
Women Have Lower Income in Retirement than Men -- And Thus Higher PovertyIn 1997, median income for elderly unmarried women (widowed, divorced, separated, and never married) was $11,161, compared with $14,769 for elderly unmarried men and $29,278 for elderly married couples. Thus, the poverty rate for elderly women was higher than that of men: in 1997, the poverty rate of elderly women was 13.1 percent, compared to 7.0 percent among men. Among unmarried elderly women, the poverty rate was significantly higher -- about 19 percent. Elderly unmarried women -- including widows -- get 51 percent of their total income from Social Security.
Poverty Rates Among Unmarried Elderly Women -- Especially Widows Who Make up 45 Percent of All Elderly Women -- Are High.
For more on this, please go to the Social Security web site at
http://www.ssa.gov/policy/pubs/womenrs.html
Conclusion
For a woman in midlife there can not only be the loss of a king figure in the form of a partner who intermediated between home life and the outer world, but a growing awareness and interest to develop a capacity to function in the world more as a king, coming from the masculine principle. Losses, changes in the family, and developmental shifts in either partner can both force and open the way for a woman to learn new skills and to take care of herself in expanded ways. Jung wrote about the need to develop our "inferior functions" at midlife. For a woman who has depended on someone who interfaced between her and the outer world or who has dwelled primarily in a maternal role, midlife can present her with new challenges. Sometimes she is thrust into them; sometimes her inner self pushes her towards them. If she can successfully navigate through this time, she may be surprised and delighted by her new powers of mastery.
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THE
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