HIV: The Storm: Shock

Sarah came to the next session deeply shaken. Her second HIV test, the Western Blot, was also positive. She was in shock. Her feelings and moods again took on the quality of being on a roller coaster. "I feel awful, like my guts are torn out. I feel really scared, really sad. I feel like I am in a little boat, or no boat at all, and there is a huge storm all around me. It is so empty inside me right now. It is horror, horror, horror."

My reactions were like Sarah's in a way...I, too, did not want it to be true that Sarah was HIV positive. Whereas she was very shocky, and in denial, I felt tremendous grief for this young woman. The lines from T.S. Eliot's Four Quartets "Oh dark dark dark" kept running through my brain. I knew Sarah would have a lot to deal with over the next few days, weeks, years, and hopefully decades. I also knew that Sarah's HIV status would affect Rebecca's life, as well as everyone who knew and loved Sarah.

I began my own process of grief. I asked for the help of Kuan Yin, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, to help me hold Sarah's pain and grief. Her name means "She Who Hearkens to the Cries of the World". She is also known as Quan Yin, Kannon, Avalokitesvara, Miao Shan and Tara.

Here she is depicted with a bottle, pouring out her endless compassion and mercy on us all. (For more images of Kuan Yin, please go to Kuan Yin.) One story of Kuan Yin states that she was on the threshold of Nirvana when she heard the cries of human pain. She (or He; Kuan Yin is sometimes referred to as male) stopped and would not cross. She will stay with us until all the tears have been shed.

I was remembering Mike, a dear friend who died of AIDS. Mike was a therapist, an MFCC, who got AIDS from his lover, Alan. Mike was afraid to be tested for HIV when Alan was diagnosed. He said he would rather not know. In retrospect, it seems that he did know that he too was HIV positive. Mike's first signs were sores on his skin, which he ignored. Mike knew about KS, Kaposi's Sarcoma, as one of the signs of AIDS. Mike was finally diagnosed about two years after Alan's death, when a troublesome cough turned out to be pneumocystis carinii pneumonia (PCP), a type of pneumonia that is an 'Indicator Illness' of AIDS.

Sarah's grief was very deep and very real. She was mourning not only her diagnosis, but also the loss of her future. She continued to swing between shock and grief in this session and the next several sessions.

I went to the HIV Insite website and went to the section

You Just Found Out You're HIV Positive.
There is a piece written by Antigone Hodgins, who has been HIV positive for 8 years. She states "The most important things to remember are:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

There is help out there.

It will get better.